Demotivation: the curse of success? The choice is yours.
Posted by Ben Lumley on Feb 25, 2010 in Think Differently | 37 comments
photo credit: TheTruthAbout…
So a while ago I asked on Twitter and on Facebook what it was that demotivated people. Thank you very much to all of you that answered by the way, I really appreciate it. From that simple question, I very gratefully received a lot of great answers. Including….
- Having to go somewhere for no real reason that will not benefit your life what so ever..!!
- Being asked to apply for your current job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Being over managed
- Getting outta my bed.!!
- When u want to do something but it’s with other people and the others just keep moanin and makin excuses which slows everything down and detracts from the original target!
- Injuries are the most demotivating thing ever. ever. ever.
- When a new person is employed who has a “higher” title, earns a lot more money then yourself but you both do exactly the same job!
- Hearing about redundancies
- When I have too many ideas. When I’ve got a great idea and don’t have the information readily available in my brain… in other words, when I have to dig my brain to get it.
- When my readers drop.
- Negative feedback and not being appreciated demotivates me.
- Losing myself to spending money and regretting it farther down the road.
- Getting torn apart for what I would call some of my best work
- The feeling that no matter how good you do something, it won’t produce any results.
- Being tired.
- Slow computers.
- People not taking me seriously.
- Salary
- Pointless paper shuffling and repetitive admin tasks. Drains the life from me.
- Having to do admin.
- Negative people.
- A lack of resources.
- My Inner voice.
- Baby sick!
What do these things have in common? Well they’re the things we focus on when we’re not getting the results we want. They are the things that eat away at us when we can’t achieve something that we’re aiming for and they start to drag us down. But you can change things.
It’s a question of choice.
Happiness is a choice. So is motivation. We choose to approach something with a happy mindset or with a negative mindset. We all choose to react to situations in our lives that either excite us or tear us apart. No-one else makes the choice of how we respond to something - we do. Other people and other situations might dictate the rules of the game but ultimately it is our choice that makes the difference as to whether or not we take good or bad from what’s happening.
Tony Robbins says “Our focus determines our reality.” In other words; whatever emotions and feelings we have towards something or someone eventually will become our reality. Many of us take from that statement that if you focus enough on an object that you desire, with no more work and effort, it will become yours. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
If you focus on the negative aspects of a situation, you will only ever see similar situations in the same light. Take that lesson that you used to dread at school. Thinking about it now, how does it make you feel? Chances are, pretty crappy, right? You may have only ever had a few bad experiences of that subject but because you focussed on how bad it is and was, that’s how you’ll always see it.
If you focus on the negative things in life and the demotivators that bring all of us down, those experiences will always turn out bad.
When we feel angry or sad or frustrated with a certain person or a particular situation and when that initial emotion has gone it leaves a well deep inside of us and we can choose what to fill it back up with. Most of us simply refill the well with the same feelings and we continue to be angry or frustrated even though the experience or situation is long gone. Some of us fill up the well of empty feeling with sadness or worse, violence. We go from feeling angry and annoyed to sad and miserbable and when that goes we fill it back up with anger and hate. It’s a continuous cycle. The only way to move out of this cycle, is to make a choice.
Making the choice.
In every situation you make the choice, even on a subconscious level.
1) What am I focussing on?
2) What does it mean?
3) What am I going to do about it?
You always move toward whatever you’re focussing on. I used to play a lot of golf at univeristy. There was one particular course that had a tough Par 3 where you had to go over a large pond to get to the green. In order to get a decent score for the hole you had to go over it, you couldn’t just go around it. So every time we got to that hole I would panic about getting it in the pond and when I stood on the tee I would be repeatedly thinking “don’t go in the pond, don’t go in the pond.” Where do you think my ball went?
Focus is a great thing. It can drive you on to successes you’ve always dreamed about or it can lead you to the thing you want the least. But either way, you get there because that was what you were focussing on.
If you can become more present in the situations you experience and with the people you interact with, you can ask youself the questions:
what am I going to focus on?
what does it mean?
what I am going to do about it?
You can then start to shift your focus. Shifting into a more positive mindset will bring you the successes you desire.
5 minute exercise.
Take 5 minutes today and think about the things you want to achieve or situations in your life. Do you focus on the positive or the negative? Do you focus more about what motivates you or what demotivates you? Is there a way you can shift your focus?
Your focus determines your reality. Couldn’t be more true, could it?
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6Aliens is a blog about inspiration, motivation and success. Ben Lumley is a Motivational Speaker and Trainer who works for no limits education inspiring young people to succeed in life.
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Great post Bed! It really does come back to what our focus is, because that is what motivates us. So we need to make sure we are focusing on something that drives our motivation.
Sorry Ben, can't believe I mistyped your name!
Hehe – that made by chuckle
Exactly Tom – focus is what drives our motivation or demotivation
Haha!
*Note to self* 'Work on touch typing!'
This reminds me of the fact that bad things do happen to good people, however, the way you handle what happens to you determines where you'll end up and who you'll be in the end, and now.
Keep your focus on good things and on improving yourself for the better and then get off your butt and take action on that focus and you'll start to see the rewards ride in like a new car at the lot.
Good post.
Rock on Ben, My goodness what a list! For me, mean people demotivates me.
Great post Ben. I really enjoyed the 5th one down from the top of the list.
I agree though that during the times we feel demotivated, it's usually because we unconsciously place our focus on things that demotivate us. If we focus on things that motivate us, we will naturally feel more motivated if we really believe in it. Just like the quote you put from Tony Robbins, what we place our focus on is ultimately what's happening to us in reality.
Great reminder that everything in life is a choice! (and a great list of things that demotivate people, although I was suprised that the list was so short, because it seems everyone has something to complain about…at least until they make a choice to stop)
The thing that demotivates me is restarting something after failing and not learning from the mistakes that caused the initial failure and so you end up in a cycle of doing it again and again and again!
If focus is the key and you get more of what you focus on, perhaps it would help to break the big stuff down into little steps and focus on each of those? I say that because for me, if I focus on the end goal too much, it seems too way off and unreachable. But how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time
Really interesting list Ben. So true about our focus being important. Another thing I have read by Tony Robbins is that we all have different things that motivate us .. some of us are 'away from' people i.e. get motivated to do things by moving away from a negative situation. Others are 'towards' where we get motivated by moving towards a goal. I have found this useful – I am generally an 'away from' and realising this has helped me understand how I tick and achieve more.
Thanks Ben
We do have a choice about how we react to situations. Albert Einstein said “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex and more violent. It takes a touch of genius, and a lot of courage, to move in the opposite direction”
From a workplace point of view, I'd recommend highly a book by Anna Maravelas “How to reduce workplace conflict and stress”. She sets out a simple but highly effective approach for handling those daily frustrations.
Hi Ben
Reading this list, and being interested in the role work plays in people's lives was interesting, given that there are quite a few “work” type things. But being asked to apply for your own job…?!! OMG…
The article made me think too of the work of the positive psychologists like Seligman who have lots of research to prove that focussing on the positive can actually help strengthen your ability to deal with what's negative. One of Seligman's suggestions when you're feeling demotivated and/or down is, each day, to write yourself a list of about five things in your life that you appreciate – so, of five things that are positive and good. Doesn't matter what they are or how small and trivial they may seem: write them down and feel your appreciation for them. It's amazing how quickly your motivation comes back and how much more resourceful you feel about tackling things that get to you. I use this myself, and sometimes offer it, if it seems appropriate, to coaching clients. It works wonderfully!
Ben,
I nice reminder that 'focus' is need to help maintain our motivation. Your list makes good reading. I can relate to many of them. Whilst some have a demotivating affect, they also drive my stubborn element.
'Negative people', oh I can't do that can I. Well we'll soon see about that!
Thanks for sharing.
Regards
Paul
Yeah spot on Eric!
“the way you handle what happens to you determines where you'll end up and who you'll be in the end” perfectly put.
I know Jeffery, I got an amazing response. Thanks for sharing what de-motivates you
Yeah the thing I like about it Hulbert is the fact its so simple to change your focus. I think is also the reason people don't change their focus because it sounds too easy.
Glad you liked it
Yeah I think a lot of people missed my question on Twitter and Facebook which is why the list isn't a billion lines long.
It always surprises me how easy it is for people to find the negative over the positive. Don't you think?
Hi Ben,
This is a great reminder to me as I am currently demotivated on a couple of things. I have to remind myself that I always have a choice and that I choose to work on those things. No one is forcing me to do anything. It's my choice and only I can accept the consequences.
Thanks,
Karen
Yeah it's all about the elephant Eleanor
I've actually got a post coming up soon all about eating elephants, hope you see it.
Yeah have a vision of where you want to get to and then break it down in the small steps in order for you to get there. Great point
Hey Jen
Yeah I'd heard that point in a Tony Robbin's video once. It's very true.
I think I'm a towards person. And you right, once you understand that you can achieve more.
Thanks for sharing
Hey Dad! (My Dad everyone – will be guest posting for me soon)
Like the Albert Einstein quote – thank you for sharing it with us
Really chuffed to have you commenting here
Yeah I was a bit taken a back by the “Being asked to apply for your own job” one.
I like the Seligman suggestion. It's a bit like waking up in the morning and thinking about what you're grateful for isn't it? It's just the action of changing your focus on to the positive that can make such a big difference.
Glad you're feeling better
Hey Paul
My wife has the same stubborn streak – if she's told she can't do it, she'll just do it some more.
Hey Karen
Sorry to hear you're demotivated with a few things at the moment. Anything I can help with?
Yeah choice is the big game changer. It can be tough to have to keep reminding yourself to focus on the positive to begin with but after a while you'll be back on track
Everything is a choice isn't it? But sometimes when you make choices they don't always turn out the way you would hope, so therefore you are left with another choice: Do I 'wallow' because I made the wrong choice or because I made the right choice and it didn't happen?
does this make sense/ is does to me.
that demotivation can sneak up on you really easily. I could add a laptop keyboard that types by itself sometimes (don't spill anything into your keyboard, they take forever to ship a new one…) Great ideas to keep us aware of the things that defocus us way too easily.
Oh yeah of course – you'll never get it right everytime. In fact most successful people fail and make bad decisions most of time. The defining factor is not that you make the choice that goes bad it's that you pick yourself up, learn from it and move on. That's makes the difference
Justin – I know how you feel man. I have a broken Z key that keeps mistyping all the time.
Glad you enjoyed the post buddy
Hi Ben,
Great post. I had a chat with a client recently about this very area and we discussed how we are responsible for our own motivation, happiness and energy. The way it worked for him to understand it a little better was for me to illustrate for him that there is stuff that happens and then there is what we make it mean. A distinction that he found very useful as do I.
Adrian
Hey Adrian – thanks for stopping by and commenting.
Glad you've found a way to help your client through illustrating meaning.
I usually don't tend to step back and think about what I am focusing on but one of my favorite things to think when a problem arises no matter how small is, “What am I going to do about it.”
That phrase will put you places and make you more content than just taking the beating from life.
Grate post bud!
I'm sure I'll see it. I make a point of trying to catch your new posts. Stopped relying on feed reader as it's full to bursting but my memory still works OK
By the way, if you need an image for your elephant post, check out the cartoon on the right hand side on GAB. My brother in law drew it for us. If it fits your theme I'm sure he'd be happy for you to use it.
Breaking stuff down into small steps is vital for me. I'm just too flightly for far off goals
Thanks for making this list. It always feels good to know that other people share the same reasons for feeling demotivated.
I also think the solutions you gave are clear and simple enough. We just have to fit them to our specific situation. The thing that really works for me when I feel demotivated is to talk to someone I feel comfortable with. This isn't always possible, so my second technique is to write everything I feel.
Ha man good to have you back from your trip.
Yeah focusing on the actions you're going to take is a really good focus point as it allows you to move towards something that motivates you and away from the demotivator
Hey Julius
Those are some really nice techniques to use when you're feeling demotivated. Thanks for sharing
Thanks for your response. Looking forward to reading the next posts.