What have you learnt from your greatest fear?
Posted by Ben Lumley on Jun 2, 2010 in Overcoming Challenges, Thinking Differently | 36 comments
“Today I’m honored to be a part of a collaborative exploration with a group of inspirational writers. Each one of us serves in the realm of personal growth and development. We’d like to share our personal experiences in what we have learned from our biggest fear. I hope you resonate with at least one of our stories.
Ben Weston of http://www.creativecourage.org/
Greg Blencoe of http://www.positivewavesbaby.com/
Ben Lumley of http://www.6aliens.com/
Ayo Olaniyan of http://discoveringpurpose.co.uk/
Therese Miu of http://theresemiu.com/
What I’ve learnt from my greatest fear?
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~Marianne Williamson
I had this post all written out a few days ago. I’d recently been contacted by the lovely Kim Maglinti and had been asked to participant in a group writing exercise where some personal development writers would all create something on the same topic; “What have you learnt from your biggest fear?”
So I’d gone away, thought through what I was going to write and then promptly typed it up and saved it ready for posting today. Then on Saturday night I was watching a training video about human needs, psychology and depression (yeah seriously, I do actually enjoy my Saturday nights!) During the talk there were a few things that really hit home to me that seemed to link the pieces of the puzzle I’d been trying to complete over the past few weeks and months.
I’ve recently been looking in to my belief systems and how they effect me in my life. A while back, after much thinking, I came to the conclusion that I was driven by the need to feel significant and that everything I did and wanted in life was to fulfil this need. This was also confirmed after an amazing coaching session with Christine Livingstone. We talked about my most dis-empowering belief that I was not enough. But as I thought through my meeting with Christine and those needs that drive me on a consistent basis, I discovered that actually my strongest need is to feel love and connection.
For example, I don’t write 6aliens.com to feel significant over others, although I do get a kick out of people reading my stuff and feeling like I have something of importance to contribute. I write because it allows me to have a connection with some amazing people who believe in what I believe and who think the way that I feel.
There are countless areas in my life where this is the case and it’s understanding this and realising that I’m driven by a need for connection and love that has resulted in my understanding that my biggest fear is not that I’m not enough but that I won’t be loved and that those who love me won’t think that I’m enough. On Saturday night I finally understood.
What I’ve learnt from my biggest fear?
The thing I’ve discoverd from an understanding of my biggest fear is that I won’t let it hold me back any more. For years I’ve lived in the shadow of this fear of needing to be loved and not connecting with people to such an extent that I’ve physically shied away from interaction because it was too risky to put myself out there in case I was rejected.
I’ve learnt that you have to take a huge risk sometimes to meet the most prominant need that you have. I’ve learnt that in order to get what you want you need to face up to your fear and defy it. I now understand above anything else that if I hide away from what I want most in life, that I’ll never be who I truly am and I’ll never be able to live the life I am supposed to live.
I now understand that the best way I can continue to meet my need for love and connection is to contribute beyond myself so that people themselves can grow and develop. For a time I believed that I wanted to help people improve their results and ultimately their lives because it made me feel significant but I now know that’s not the case. I now understand that thing I most desire in life is human interaction because looking through my life to date, it’s in the moments where I connect with another human being that I get the most buzz. That’s why I like speaking to large groups so much. There is a massive connection in the room while I’m talking. It’s also the reason that I believe I’m such a good listener. It allows me to have a connection with another person and that’s what I truly need the most.
I want to thank Kim for inviting me to participate in this exercise because it has truly opened up the next stage of my life and will allow me to better not only my life, but my family’s life and the lives of people I work with.
But I want to know….do you know what you greatest fear is?
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Ben Lumley writes about Success and Personal Achievement at 6aliens.com. He is a Personal Achievement Coach and Motivational Speaker.
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Hi Ben,
Thank you for participating in this exercise of self exploration.
I deeply resonate with your need for love and connection, to contribute beyond yourself so that people themselves can grow and develop.
It’s wonderful when you can uncover a gem from within, with someone like Christine, then have everything fall into place — absolutely beautiful!
Love and Light!
Kim
Thank you for allowing me the privilege to take part in this Kim.
I heard someone say once that you don’t form your purpose in life you uncover it. Couldn’t agree more these days.
Hi Ben,
I enjoyed reading your post and participating in this blog collaboration with you.
You were very open in the post about your need to feel significant. It takes a lot of courage to discuss this. I know I’ve also dealt with this issue.
But it’s interesting that your true desire is to feel love and connect with other people. Here was my favorite part of your post:
“I now understand that thing I most desire in life is human interaction because looking through my life to date, it’s in the moments where I connect with another human being that I get the most buzz.”
Thanks for the post!
Thanks Greg. It’s been great to work with you.
Hey Ben!
I absolutely love the honesty with which you wrote this. Like Greg said, it takes a lot of courage to share those sides of yourself.
I really resonated with what you said about facing your fears dead on if you want to be who you really are. The things I want most in life are of course the things that scare me the most to pursue.
It was a pleasure having you on board with this collaboration!
Take care,
Ben
Hey Ben. Great to have you here!
I feel truly privileged to be a part of this
I can completely understand this fear. Its one of my biggest too. I know that in the past I have not tried things because I was afraid my loved ones wont understand or like what it is I am doing. However, I am learning to fight it, but I don’t think that I am as far along as you. I wont give up. Thanks for posting, its very inspirational to see I am not the only one.
Hang in there Jeff. The fight lessens over time!
I heard someone say the other day about this very fear that “there comes a point when you can’t sacrifice yourself in the pursuit of making others happy.” I tend to agree with them.
Ben, that quote write there is one of my top top favorite quotes. And it has nothing to do with the fact the I’m born in the same day with Marianne Williamson
One thing I like to learn over and over again, and also to teach others is that most of our fears are very silly. And our biggest fears are usually the silliest. So the best thing we can do is treat them that way.
I completely agree Eduard, most of our fears our silly because they are usually based on our perceived understanding of a situation.
Ben, this is awesome.
I’m so delighted that you took an understanding of your biggest limiting belief and got underneath it’s real purpose.
Your self-insight in this is awesome enough. That you’re prepared, not only to share it, but to allow it to make a fundamental difference to your life is inspirational.
Thank you Christine. I honestly could not of gotten to this point with out you and your help.
I don’t know what my biggest fear is, I think I’d be too scared to find out.
They say that to conquer fear you only have to face it, so I guess you’re half way there, hey?
Kind regards,
Steve
Thanks for taking the time to drop by Steve. I think you’re right, all I need to do is confront my fear every time I find it in my life.
Hey Ben, thanks for such a candid post. Blogging is a great way to gain human interaction and connection because it’s a job where you can actually express your thoughts and feelings to others without getting fired. I think that is a fear that people face when they are in convention jobs. It’s good to know that you won’t let your fear hold you back anymore.
What my greatest fear is? One of my greatest fears is having thoughts ingrained in me that will send me pain and I can’t do anything about it to erase those thoughts. I know it’s not really specific, but that’s just one of the fears that I have in life.
You can break down any thought in your mind Hulbert. All you have to do is knock out the legs that you believe support that thought of belief. Once you remove the reasons why it’s there it has no way to exist any more.
My greatest fear? To be honest, I don’t know. I don’t spend too much time thinking about things. It’s not things about me or my life that scare me. It’s things I can’t control that scare me! For instance, I live in the Bay Area, CA and we’ve been having small earthquakes and that scares me a lot because I might lose someone I love. So, losing loved ones is a big fear for me because I can’t control it.
Some of our fears we can’t control you’re right. The only thing you can control is your focus on a situation, what it means to you and what you’re going to do about it.
You may fear losing a loved one but you can control how you choose to make the most of your time and love with them.
What an honest and insightful post. Sometimes I think the best way to deal with a fear is to put it out there, face it squarely, toe to toe. You’ve certainly done that here. And, isn’t it easier to deal with a fear once it’s been put into words, it just seems less scary than when it’s still an unexpressed emotion. Well done.
Hey Claire. Lovely to have you here
You’re right about putting your fear into writing. I felt measurably better after I finished this post as I had expressed my true emotions on it.
hello ben,
how are you?
first of all i admire your courage, simplicity, GUTS!!!. & I’m also glad you nailed the issue.
my greatest fears revolves round self doubts but when faced with it, i just close my eyes and jump right into storm steering the ship with all i’ve got.
take care and enjoy the rest of the day.
Hi Ayo! How are you?
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m really pleased that everyone has been moved by this.
I love the idea of just shutting your eyes and jumping in to tackle your fear.
It’s been said already but I couldn’t agree more, your honesty and courage in this post is beautiful. I don’t know what my biggest fear is but I know I’m driven by a need to feel loved. To be loved seems not quite to be enough for me, I need to feel it too. So I guess if I flip that, my biggest fear is not feeling loved. I need conversation too but I suspect that’s all part of the feeling loved thing
Thank you for sharing this, it was lovely
Thanks El
Feminine energy is very much about feeling as opposed to masculine energy which is mainly concerned with action (so to speak – not meant in a rude way btw!)
Lol. Not taken in a rude way
Interesting perspective though. Would maybe explain why the men in my life find it hard to engage in conversation where they can offer no solutions. Did you ever read that famous Mars and Venus book? I never got past the first couple of chapters but I remember reading how men like to be able to fix stuff. Would fit with what you suggest.
Yeah possibly.
Not read that book yet but do mean to
Inspiring, Ben! I wonder how many seemingly successful people are really struggling as they appear to have it all together but really want to have that personal connection with others. I am such a people person but the fear of getting out there and connecting does get in my way too. I connect online all the time, I connect well with my clients and others that come my way, but you throw me into a networking event and I have to work to not hide in a corner!
I always told people that I am fine if you give me a job to do. I can facilitate or coordinate large events and I am just fine, interacting with those who come my way but if a group is relaxing after, I have to be pushed to join them.
We all have to work on our limitations, don’t we?
Yes we do Julie and I think the important thing is that we keep working on them. So many people accept their limiting beliefs and never challenge them.
Lovely to see you here. Hope you come back soon
Hi Ben,
It’s such a pleasure working with you I feel truly excited and simply honored to be part of this collaborating writing project together.
I enjoyed reading your posts. Funny how a spark of Inspiration can totally shift your blogposts to another topic. It happens to me a lot as well.By the way, it’s quite okay to watch those training videos on saturday night
Thank You Ben for sharing your story so generously. What a revelation for you on that saturday night to finally understand your “strongest need is to feel love and connection.” I do think deep down inside all of us human beings have that strongest need. We are definitely wired to connect to people. And more importantly that you are willing to transform those emotions now into something greater. I liked when you said this, “that if I hide away from what I want most in life, that I’ll never be who I truly am and I’ll never be able to live the life I am supposed to live.” This is so TRUE in so many ways. Like each one of us, You have been hired by the Universe to be yourself. Thats it!
Thank You Ben!
so glad I met you
Wonderful to have you visit my little online home Therese
I’ve had another wonderful insight tonight, all with the help of the fabulous Christine Livingstone.
I completely agree we’re all wired to connect with others. We’re all social animals. I’m so glad I see that now and can start being myself.
I think my greatest fear is not to be able to fulfill at least half of my dreams. Through your blog and those of other people, I’ve realized what I want to achieve in the next few years or so.
I love those dreams so much that it sometimes scares me when I realize that there is a possibility they won’t come true.
But I realized that having dreams in itself is already an accomplishment. And instead of spending time worrying, I need to focus on the things that can lead to these goals. Time serves as my vehicle in reaching those dreams.
Julius its wonderful that you now have goals that excites you.
I think even though there is a possibility of your dreams coming true, there’s also a massive potential that they will and that’s really exciting. I would focus on that point of view rather than then chance of them not happening.
That made my heart melt. The first pararaph was so true.
I do feel inadequate and try to hide any flaws. I get scared like everyone else, and I would say that one of my biggest fears is the fear of failure. Failure as a person, in a business, as a parent–doing something wrong.
But I have been called a “Diamond in the Rough” many times before. It’s nice to see that others can see in me the things that I can’t.
Thank you for your words and insight–we all need to remember to look at ourselves with Childlike Innocence!
We all need to see the power within ourselves Jennifer don’t we?
We all have contained within each of us the resources we need to make it all happen.
Dear Ben,
Your story gripped me from beginning to end. What a beautiful and honest exploration of fear. I love breakthroughs and I loved hearing of yours.
I think it’s awesome that life offers continual opportunities for breakthroughs that take us to the next level. Not a level in terms of a hierarchy, but rather greater connectedness, which interestingly is what you recognized was your deepest longing.
Thanks so much for sharing this uplifting story.
I can’t wait to check out your blog.
Be well,
Lauren
Hi Lauren
Thank you so much for stopping by. I’m really pleased you like my post, it was a really tough one to write to be honest but I feel so much better for putting it out there